I don't think anyone is still even on this

and that's the reason why I'll be updating, most likely just this once and only because lately I've been feeling really low.

I've been trying so hard to be happy, to stay happy, but I guess I still don't know how. I'm not happy with the way I look, with how I act, with some of my friendships (all of them, at times), how I am with my family, how I neglect my writing. Basically, I'm not happy with life. I've been reading Kafka on the Shore and its whole existentialist theme has me riding on that train again - who am I?

Nothing. You're nothing, really. You will grow up one day. You might be wealthy, or you might be dirt poor. You might find a handsome fellow and fall in love, or, more than likely, you'll end up alone, because that's how you're hardwired - you don't know how to deal with other people on deep levels, you don't know how to connect or open up. You will buy a grand house in a field of wheat, or you might just get an apartment downtown. You'll write. Maybe there will be a few people who like your style, and maybe others will completely hate it. You'll probably go out once in a while. Maybe to a bar or a club to drink and dance and socialize with friends and new acquaintances, but all the while, you'll still have that black pit of loneliness slowly bringing death to you. You'll go home to your dog and watch a movie, have a cigarette, and fall asleep. You will do all of that for the rest of your life, nothing more, maybe a lot less. Then you will die, as sure as day, and in time, people will forget you. 

The search for meaning is meaningless.

I can't even cry anymore. I see myself going nowhere and I think, slowly, I'm accepting it. I won't try to kill myself again, but I know it's coming. I feel like Miss Saeki in the book I've been reading. After losing so much so early in her life, she lives hollowly the remainder of her years. Not doing anything to bring death about, except waiting. She's an empty shell, drained from all emotion and connections, not really alive. 

On the offchance I go to a party now a days, the only reason I still try to look my best is because I disgust myself if I look anything less. I don't care anymore about impressing a boy. 

I don't know what else to do.

I haven't felt this aimless for the longest time.

Tumblr

Like many others I've heard about or have read, I've moved on to Tumblr. I like how it's more open and more social and less depressing and dreary. I've had a Tumblr for a while, but I've just never used it until today. I just bought a theme for 9 dollars, so I'm going to make sure it won't go to waste. Already, I'm liking it. I've realized, though, that that blogging site isn't the place for emotional, over-the-top, revealing posts like Xanga, so I might just post here once in a while. Who knows.

Another Holiday

It's July 4th, and here I am, alone. I didn't expect to be alone on this day. My family were apparently forcing me to go to this get together in Rock Ford, but when I woke up this morning, they were gone. They called me later and said they wouldn't be back until tomorrow afternoon. I tried making plans with other friends, but they all had things going on, and I basically hardly have any other friends.

I haven't really been doing anything lately. I've just been at home, watching movies. I've been watching a lot of zombie movies; from old to new, from suckish to really good. I've just been a bum again since my summer class ended (which I passed with flying colors). I don't know why I haven't been going out; money isn't an issue. I mean, I'm not loaded, but I haven't been spending, so it's added up. The last few times I've gone out were either to Gaby's house to chill or.. that's it, actually. I haven't partied in god knows how long.. The Takeover, I think. It wasn't that long ago, but it seems like a while. I'm just not in the mood anymore. I haven't been in the mood to do anything, really. I don't know what this means. I don't know if I'd go far enough to say it's growing up, in a way. Maybe it is, in the sense that I've outgrown house parties. But not really, seeing as I'm barely 19 and I have so many years ahead of me.

Loneliness has been pressing on me, harder than ever before, but I can deal with it. I've dealt with it my whole life, so it's not anything new. I still hate it, though.

I'm going to say that there's this one boy. I've previously mentioned him (The thirsty one on facebook) and he's been wanting to get together. I kinda don't want to. Mostly because he's a lot like me, and it seems he has a lot of problems just like I do. I don't know what kind of relationship that would turn out into. Plus, I think I've developed my, "I don't date" mindframe again. I'm just not in a place where I can be with a boy, I know it, and I don't know when or if I ever will be. 

So that was my update. Bit boring, but I guess it doesn't matter. No one reads this shit anyway.

Blue Roses

I started a short story with that title months ago, but didn't finish it until just now. 

I'm very satisfied with it. It's now #4 in my completed short stories folder, out of the other dozen that have been abandoned somewhere along the story.

It was definitely spiriting, to be able to write again. I don't why I just decided to write. I hadn't been able to before. I've tried. I've opened up documents and brainstormed for moments at a time, but nothing. I think it might have been because of the power outage earlier. I turned in early, and right before drifting off into sleep, the lights came on. I groggily opened my laptop, a dream fresh in my mind. A dream that had made me happy and sad at the same time. 

It could have also been a mixture of the feelings I've been having lately.. the loneliness I experience on a day-to-day basis, though some days worse than others. It seems the lonelier I feel, the better I can write. I'm not sure how much sense that makes. I guess it was just a lonely night, especially with the power outage, I felt completely disconnected. 

Whatever the case, I'm glad I've finally written something.

I feel accomplished.